I ask myself this all the time, because I am one of many, that are not satisfied with who they are. I do not feel genuine, although I try to be. I second guess myself. I stop doing what I feel is right. I am superstitious, even if it doesn't show. And I hide. I hide the fact I make faces at myself in the mirror. I hide the fact that I have conversations with my reflection while doing so. I hide my horrid singing and white girl dancing so that no one sees. And I push down excitement and silliness because I am afraid. I am afraid of what others think of me- but I am refusing to live with that fear any longer.
I have taken to asking myself a different question: who do you want to be?
Who do you want to be Emma?
Well, I want to be real.
I want to be genuine and sweet.
I want to be known for my kindness and not my loudness.
I want to turn the other cheek, and be the better person.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be alive.
I want to be seen as innocent- but not ignorant.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a photographer.
I want to speak many languages and travel many places.
I want to change the world.
I want to have someone to change it with.
I want someone who will love me no matter what.
I want someone to hold me at night.
And I want to be happy.
As long as I keep reminding myself of this, I think I will change. And that is all I really want right now, to change for the better. I want to stop feeling artificial and start being real. And I know it is going to be hard to change among those who see the other side of me, but it must happen.
